I AM GOING TO CONTINUE EMBARRASSING MYSELF UNTIL I AM DEAD

i am looking at facebook

someone has added "having fun" to their interests

i think about clicking "like"

i decide that i won't click "like"

someone has invited me to a costume party

i click "maybe"

then i log out of facebook

because i want to look at porn

I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF TODAY (NO I'M NOT)

i am all alone in my house

i go into the kitchen

i put my laptop on top of the refrigerator

i boil some water for tea

my laptop falls off the refrigerator

i look at my laptop and think "god damn"

i pick it up and hold it close to my face

my laptop seems ok

i open the refrigerator and think "what am i doing"

i close the refrigerator

and think about something else

LET'S DO DRUGS (BECAUSE I FEEL DEPRESSED)

i open a picture of a codfish in mspaint

i click the text button and click and drag the mouse near the bottom of the picture

i type "COD DAMN" in 72p arial font

i save the picture as "cod_piece.jpg"

i close mspaint and open the "pictures" folder in windows explorer

i scroll down and right-click on the file "cod_piece.jpg"

i click "delete" and when the box pops up i click "yes"

i close windows explorer and open minesweeper

I WANT TO CHUG A TWO-LITER PEPSI

i am masturbating in the bathroom

i ejaculate into the toilet

i see a big cockroach swimming in the toilet

the cockroach gets stuck in my semen and drowns

i flush the toilet and wash my hands

i go into the kitchen and make some pizza pops

I WANT TO DRINK COUGH SYRUP (BECAUSE I FEEL SICK)

i am listening to someone on the phone

the person on the phone is talking about "work"

i tell the person on the phone that i need to go to the grocery store before it's closed

the person on the phone says "ok, talk to you later"

i say "ok, bye" and hang up the phone

i go into my room and turn on my computer

i type "scarlett johansson" into google image search

i look at pictures of scarlett johansson until i feel tired

i turn off my computer and go to bed

(Zachary Whalen lives in Victoria, BC. He's currently eating some vanilla wafers. They taste pretty good.)