A+ CIRCUMCISION


I am in my twenties and an African doctor tells me I have to have a circumcision.  I want to ask him whether he is circumcised, but instead I ask him whether I ‘have to’ have a circumcision.  The doctor says, ‘yes, you have to have a circumcision’.


I panic, and for some reason call a phonesex chat line.  I choose the option that requires me to ‘listen and wank to your heart’s horny contentment’.  A woman is telling a man that she will sit on his face until he passes out.  The man asks whether he can hear Coronation Street in the background and then the woman asks whether he likes that.


The Indian doctor who will be performing the procedure asks if I have any questions.  I start asking a question and then begin to make up a conversation I had with a ‘Jewish friend’.  The doctor tells me that all Muslims are circumcised.  I ask the doctor if he is a Muslim.


I hear two women talking.  One of them says, ‘he’s lovely’ and the other one makes a kind of ‘Mmmmmhmmmm’ noise.  I open my eyes and two nurses are standing by my bed.  I tell the Southeast Asian nurse that she looks like my girlfriend.  I repeat this and then I close my eyes and go back to sleep.


A few weeks later I have sex with my girlfriend.  Immediately afterwards, I stand in front of the bedroom mirror and think, ‘my dick is very fucking handsome’.


(Richard Owain Roberts lives in Cardiff, Wales and has stories in Word Riot, 3AM Magazine and some other places.  He is writing a book. )